STAR GAZING / WALL GAZING
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| ZEN MEDITATION |
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| When I was ten years old (1970),
my family moved to Fountain Valley, California. We bought a brand
new house in a suburban housing tract that covered land that had formerly
been strawberry fields. Before the land was farmed it had been largely
swamp. About a year after we moved there I began to insist on sleeping in the backyard under the stars during the warmer months of summer. I would bring out a sleeping bag or some blankets and a pillow and stretch out on the redwood painted lounging chair for the night. My parents thought I was slightly eccentric. I would lay facing up toward the night sky looking at the stars and passing airplanes until I would fall asleep. By morning I would find that all three cats and our one dog had joined me on the lounge chair. We would be this big mass of snuggling fur and limbs. We would be covered in morning dew and find tiny spiders starting to weave morning webs across us. Neighbors in the house over the fence would look out their second story windows in the morning and laugh at me. Eventually, I stopped sleeping outside. I grew up, got serious quickly. I cannot remember anymore time spent looking up at the stars. I am now 42. After fighting it for many years I’m starting to practice meditation. I tried lots of things. I tried using mantras, prayer beads, music, a candles. I tried sitting in a groups of people. This always made me feel self-concious. I found myself looking around a lot - check out how other people were or weren’t doing it. I found walking meditation and mantra seemed to work for awhile. But finally I found I could sit zen. In zazen I face a wall. And I just sit. Perfect. Simple. No hierarchy. Sit in a group or by yourself - you still face the wall. Tenzim Palmo wrote in her book Cave in the Snow "When we normally think of resting we switch on the T.V., or go out, or have a drink. But that does not give us real rest. It’s just putting more stuff in." She goes on to say that "To get genuine relaxation we need to give ourselves some inner space. We need to clear out the juck yard, quiet the inner noise. And the way to do that is to keep the mind in the moment. That’s the most perfect rest for the mind. That’s meditation. Awareness. The mind relaxed and alert. Five minutes of that and you’ll feel refreshed, and wide awake." I figured out that I like zazen because I’m not putting anything in. Often I spend time emptying out lots of thinking. Somehow that 11 year old California girl knew she needed to get outside the house. Get away from the Television shows and commericals. She needed a pause from all the school focused learning and a pause from the family dynamics. She needed the sky, filled with stars and passing planes, but vast. She stop putting more stuff in and found some peaceful inner space. She sought some stillness in her life. Thirty-two years later I’m remembering her again. That very wise 11 year old is re-emerging within me. Whether sitting on the cushion facing the wall or looking up at the night sky I’m not putting things in my mind or my body. Maybe that is as still as I can get and still breath. By the way, my parents still think I’m a slightly eccentric. |
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